today felt very long. there were spaces of my day where i felt like i should be filling it with something like studying or letter-writing or organizing, but i wasn't prepared. on the bart this morning i simply sat there staring at people. i had no book to read, no articles to examine, no stationary on which to compose love letters to friends. during my fairly miserable class that i had today, i could have studied for a stats exam that i have next week (next week!), written more letters, organized my life. then i had an hour break and i could have done something meaningful, but i didn't do anything.

unproductive. going through the motions. fairly useless.

i think spring break was a terrible idea - i rediscovered how wonderful it is to let go of every iota of stress in my body. while school doesn't actively stress me out like it did last semester, there is an underlying cord that pulls at me constantly throughout the day. it is as if i am primed for action that doesn't exist. and yet, i'm sure it should.

i am disappointed when i feel like i have not fully appreciated a day. when i have let my selfishness cloud my ability to love. to rest. to trust. to let go of the cord that keeps me tied to the ground. my days are not always like this, but these ones are reminders that going through the motions is not what Jesus had in mind.