on faith

i don't like school. in fact, i loathe it. yes, i am in a 5 year phd program. yes, i just started year 2 of 5. but i really really can't stand school anymore. i'm not sure i ever could. i keep on going back to this question of "what really matters?" does it matter that i am stuck in a classroom all day discussing my "productivity" on my master's thesis and how i should be working more on it, because it is supremely important that i finish it fast and that it is good? does it matter that i know how to determine how many standard deviations away someone's IQ score is from normal?

i don't really know.

what i do know is the way i feel alive when i arrive at my practicum site, knowing i'll get to see "my kids" as i like to call them, knowing i might get one small chance to connect with one of them and that one peek into their lives makes my whole day worthwhile. it is there where i want to learn how to be a good therapist. so i begin to doubt this whole concept of academia. of following other people's rules, and not my own understanding and God's insight.

i've been reading this book alex gave me called "redeeming love," and it really has been challenging me and reminding me of God's love. i have fantasies of abandoning ship and committing my life to serving people. perhaps then i will feel right and content. peter made the good point, though, of being content and faithful in any and every situation we find ourselves. perhaps God wants me to be a light in this moment, even though it is so difficult to be a light when these people only want to see dark. and the goals for this academic life are how much you can publish, whose butt you can kiss, and how many classes you can take. it's demoralizing. it's demoralizing just to play their game. i'm trying to be faithful, so sit quietly with God trusting He will give me insight, or peace, or direction. is this desire to quit my own insecurities and disgust with this way of life, or is it truly from God, telling me to spend my time elsewhere? and if it is the latter, how will i deal with the larger sin of pride and failure if i were to leave the program after the first year?

and he calls us to love. in the meantime, this is my most important task.