in the depths and rainbows

i'm in hawaii, staring out at the ocean from this ocean view room with huge sliding glass windows that lead to a little balcony. the water is unreal, a movement of blues and white caps. i feel overwhelmed with gratitude that i am here, that i am able to experience god's creation in such a powerful way.

but two days ago, i was crying boarding the plane. i did not want to come. i did not want to have to be someone i am not - dressed up, super bubbly social, lots of makeup, fake, obligated. i did not want to miss my friend's dad's memorial beach walk. i have my dissertation proposal and a neuropsych report due next thursday and more due the following week. at home, my grandma had another mastectomy, my grandfather has dementia, and my parents are both sick and at their wits end. one of my best friend's dad died this month, a girl at my school committed suicide, and i pass car accidents on my long drive to work. i have made it through each day by the grace of god and my hope in him. but there was just so much heaviness in my heart and in my life, that i could not bear the thought of having to add the pressure of being perfect and fitting in.

as is often the case, i expected this trip to be worse than it has been. perhaps it is because people are so nice here in hawaii, or this trip is more relaxed than our other trips to sister cities, but i wonder if it is god's grace that has transformed my attitude that has had the most profound effect on me here. i feel freedom from the pressure of getting everything done, i have been able to spend time on the beach, praying, rejoicing, relaxing. i have relied on god when there have been moments on cattiness, meanness, or leaving me out. i have tried not to care as much about what i look like and reminded myself that i am a child of god. i have set better boundaries for myself, making me even less japanese and committed myself to being a strong american woman.

and i had the most amazing morning. i woke up early, drank coffee on the little balcony, and listened to my favorite worship songs. some people were swimming, but it was mostly quiet. i began to let all the feelings of despair and pain consume me in spite of me trying to fight it. i simultaneously dread and am grateful for feeling so in the depths. like the only thing that is holding me together is the love of god. like i cannot feel anything but my pain. i broke down and cried out to god to meet me, thankful for his mercy and grace that i was feeling so desperate, because in these moments, i am reminded of how he alone fulfills and sustains me. at that moment, i looked up and over the ocean and the beach stretched a beautiful rainbow in the almost cloudless sky. now, i know that lots of people see rainbows as the scientific, but i believe in rainbows for their promise. and i was overwhelmed by god's promise and faithfulness in that moment. it was incredible. i prayed for my friend's dad and for my friend and their memorial beach walk, feeling connected to them through jesus, but also through the environment. i realized that there is a purpose for everything, that i had to come on this trip to be reminded of god's constant love and faithfulness. i feel refreshed, grateful, humbled, and ready to face the tiaras and sashes and make-up tonight.

word of god speak, would you pour down like rain
washing my eyes to see, your majesty
to be still and know that you're in this place
please let me stay and rest in your holiness
word of god speak